I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
You Might Also Like
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing