I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
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[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”