Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
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The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Finally!