[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
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you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.