Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
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Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more