Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
You Might Also Like
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
This hospital has everything
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok