[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
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3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..