could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
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I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.