Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
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Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.