WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
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My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.