My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
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Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.