[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
You Might Also Like
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.