I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
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ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Not today, today.
Not today.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
How did we not see this back then?
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now