I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
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unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Barbie gone wild
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?