If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
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It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive