Sex so good you see dead people.
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Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Most fashion shows these days…
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!