yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
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I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
I feel it
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*