Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
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7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Dishonest mechanic?
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.