If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
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My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Scream sneezers need love too.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products