The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
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Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
when you don’t want to be too vague
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.