*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
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[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow