I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
You Might Also Like
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.