Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
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I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
#polloftheday
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder