Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
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when the doctor brings med students into your exam
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.