*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
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Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
@ candidates for local office
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.