Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
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*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.