“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
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This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
That was easy.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park