interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
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Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.