“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
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Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE