My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
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When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.