If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
You Might Also Like
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too