[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
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When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*