10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
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[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*