shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
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5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions