I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
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Bringing home a sharpie
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Here’s a meme
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs