I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
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“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
can you read it!!??
maan!
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
God has abandoned us.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …