Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
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*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
this isn’t threatening at all
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.