The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
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What I say and what I mean are three different things.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
When news reporters do sports stories
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.