[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
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No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
This kid will have a bright future.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer