hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
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Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.