Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
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OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
A customer told me they were never coming back….
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Siri, fight Alexa.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.