Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
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[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
I need to get some bricks…
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.