Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
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A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
🤣🤣
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
I just ran a .003048K
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.