Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
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Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
when someone compliments me
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Y’all ready for this
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*