sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
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Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Uh oh…
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
I love you…
…r dog.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.