me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
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Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
The prophecy is fulfilled
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise