There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
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Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.