Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
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got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read