One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
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It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Ain’t no way
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate