Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
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ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
A ghost story
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.